It's the most wonderful time of the year... to feel the crippling pain of loneliness. While everyone you know is surrounded by their nearest and (not necessarily) dearest, you're alone, staring into the abyss of the bottom of yet another empty whiskey glass, or seeking solace with your TV, wondering where it all went wrong and why nobody loves you.
Or you may have lost someone dear to you and the idea of Christmas without them is too painful to bear. That probably requires a separate article, as it has its own process to work through.
If this is you, first of all, you have my deepest sympathy. I have felt that ache of loneliness and it can be truly horrible. It's not just about being alone - It's about feeling disconnected, unwanted and unloved. But I've come out the other side and learned a few things about loneliness that I hope will help you.
I'm not going to deny that we are social creatures and some experiences are more fun with other people. But transforming loneliness requires us to open our minds to the reality that other people can ruin things as much as make them enjoyable. Why do you think so many people dread the idea of spending time with their family, have read THIS article and signed up for my pre-Christmas coaching to help them prepare for the onslaught of family triggers? Furthermore, relationships sometimes end because someone decides they'd rather be alone than unhappy.
What I've learned:
Loneliness is a state of mind. Let's be honest, sometimes being alone is bliss. About 15 years ago I attended a leadership course in Italy. On day 9, we were to go out into the forest and spend the entire day ALONE! For some people, the thought of being by themselves was terrifying. For others (including me) it couldn't come fast enough. I spent the day meditating, reflecting and delighting in my own, uninterrupted, scintillating company. It's all a matter of perception. And perception is within your power.
Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same. You know very well that it's possible to be alone and not feel lonely, and to be in a room full of people and yet feel lonely. Christmas day is no exception.
Loneliness is often the result of having a fantasy about a specific type of connection, which leads us to overlook other connections we have. You might have family connection as an ideal but in reality you have a great connection with non-family people but you're unable to recognise it because you're so fixated on the one specific type of connection.
What are the benefits to you that the connection takes the form it's in? And what would be the drawbacks to you of having the connection in the form you seek? Your mind will not want to look for the answers because it wants to stay stuck in its way of thinking but some crazy magic happens when you put your mind to it and start seeing things differently. You start to see the hidden order in everything and appreciate it for its perfect imperfection.
Particularly at Christmas, we tend to experience a heightened sense of loneliness because we are comparing our day to other people's, and unrealistically expecting ours to be different from what it is. And what did Theodore Roosevelt say about comparison? It's the thief of joy. It’s the idea of what Christmas is supposed to be that makes it difficult. This generally makes us exaggerate how joyful a Christmas other people are having, rather than seeing the full picture of what's really going on - family feuds, deep resentments bubbling and/or erupting, and people wishing they could get the hell out of there.
So how do we not compare?
An important step is to acknowledge the reality of other people's Christmas day: what is NOT great about it? What stress and problems are they dealing with because they have their loved ones with them? Christmas is famously unpleasant for so many people who obligingly tolerate their families and rejoice the moment they can leave. Believe it or not, there are people in the world who wish they had the balls to boycott family Christmas and spend the day alone, and some who even do it. It's all a matter of perspective.
Another step in Killing The Comparison is to be fully aware of how you being alone on Christmas day is perfect for you - you can eat what you want, when you want. No stress to cook for loads of people, no having to cater for annoying dietary requirements, no awkward or banal small talk, no unnecessary politeness or people pleasing, no social overload, no silly hats (unless you want one, of course).
You get to watch or listen to what you want when you want; it's an opportunity to do something you don't often give yourself permission to do - dance like no one's watching (because they aren't), sing like no one can hear you and fart like no one will smell them. I have spent a few Christmases alone (yep, I chose not to attend family Christmas) and had a charming day having a walk, being super lazy at home and farting freely. I didn't feel lonely for a second.
And here’s a tough but important question: If you did have your ideal Christmas, what would be the drawbacks to you? This is the question people tend to struggle with, since it’s so easy to get caught up in our own fantasty and believe we should have it our way. But it’s also the question that, when truly answered, tends to help the most.
Now, some tough love:
If you want to be around people this Christmas, (or any time for that matter) it's going to take effort. You can't just sit at home and expect the mountain to come to Mohammed. You can only do what's within your control. So ask for what you want and see what happens. You might not get it all, or even exactly as you want it but you'll be a step closer. And at least you tried. And besides, it's not healthy to get exactly what you want - for spiritual growth, that is.
Be sure of your value. If you know what you bring to the party, you're more likely to be invited.
Likewise, if you're not desperate to be invited, you're more likely to be invited. No one likes the stench of desperation. Better still, BE the party. Invite the people to you, and be certain of what's in it for them, based on what is important to them, not what you think they ought to enjoy. If they don't want to come, have a party for one. Older adults often make the mistake of not putting in the effort to engage with the world and instead expecting others to reach out to them. If you don't make an effort to be around people or engage with them on their level, why should they do it for you? And if you try to impose your values and priorities onto others in a way that doesn't gel with them, they're likely to push back and want to push you away, resulting in that lack of connection you're trying to avoid.
Only you have the power to change how you feel. No one else is responsible for making you happy. This may seem a little heartless or morbid, but actually it's fabulously empowering and liberating because you can take steps to change how you feel. And... (here's where it gets a bit woo-woo so strap in): Everything you need is already within you. What in the flaming Christmas pudd does that even mean?
Remember in The Wizard Of Oz, when Dorothy and her pals meet The Wizard, he tells them each that they all already had the thing they were seeking - the lion had courage, the tin man had a heart and the scarecrow had a brain? They just couldn't see it. Their long, convoluted journey along the Yellow Brick Road (YBR) was there to show each of them what they were capable of. Dorothy realises that she always had the ability to return to Kansas, but she needed to experience her adventures in Oz in order to see that everything she ever needed was already in her back yard. Same for you, except the YBR might be coaching sessions with me.
Whatever you seek from other people already resides in you, you just have to open your eyes to it. When you do that, you realise there is no loneliness, only love, and lots of it. So, as the Wicked Witch of The West would say, FLY! FLY! FLY! Or as Scrooge would say, fuck Christmas, it's a load of trite commercial shite anyway.
(PS that's something for you to do at Christmas - watch The Wizard Of Oz!)
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