If only everyone would just hurry up and change so we can finally be happy. Without being fully aware of it, that's what most of think about our nearest and dearest, even the wider world around us. And how frustrating is it that we cannot change people and the world?
Expecting or hoping others to change is often a source of stress and conflict.So let's indulge that fantasy for a moment and imagine if your partner/child/parent/sibling/friend/colleague actually did become how you want them to be. How sublimely, dreamily, delightful - right?
Suddenly, there'd be peace, harmony and... utter boredom.
Not only that but we’d get new, unexpected problems, like taking each other for granted, loss of individuality or becoming (even more) self-righteous and think we can project our desires and values onto everyone & everything (hello, dictators); or no one will challenge us when making daft decisions then we end up with a face like Madonna's. Or our business suffers, or, ironically, we find ourselves in relationships that are unfulfilling but we stick around because it’s easy & comfortable.
Furthermore, we’d miss out on all the essential triggers and opportunities we need to learn and grow. Yawnful but true.
This was me in a previous relationship - my ex boyfriend used to drive me bonkers when he came round and spread his things everywhere, leaving little space for me; ignoring me when we were together (watching YouTube or Netflix instead), and being generally closed to my efforts to help him deal with some of the problems he had. It was utterly frustrating.
We unfortunately need people to piss us off and press our buttons. And we all know how annoying it feels when people try to change us. And we all know the reality that trying to change other people is not only futile, but renders us the the makers of our own suffering. Our best option is either to change our reactions to them or move to Bali😉.
So how do we change our reactions? It starts with changing our perceptions. Not easy, but what other option do you have? It's all about shifting our perceptions to see there is a hidden order, and that them being them and doing the annoying things they do serves our highest good.
My frustrations with my ex taught me a lot - it helped me take him off the pedestal I'd put him on, and level us up. Him strewing his things everywhere was extremely useful in helping me accept my truth - that I have never wanted to live with a lover (something that I had expected myself to want but never have - to the point that I believed there was something wrong with me). And him being resistant to my efforts to help (aka change) him helped me learn to manage my expectations of how people would react to me, to communicate my message in a caring and comprehensive way, rather than forcing my ideas and expecting them to be well received, which ultimately helped me hugely in the work I do.
I was very resistant to shifting my perspective. I did not want to see another way. I expected him to bend to my desires but of course, he couldn't because then he wouldn't be himself. But every time I shifted my perspective to see the divine perfection in his annoyingness, our relationship was transformed - we got on so much better and had greater understanding, compassion and appreciation for each other. When I stopped trying to change him, he was ironically more receptive to me.
To experience this for yourself, join me on 27th April at The Life Centre, Notting Hill for a transformational workshop that will help you improve your relationships.
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